New Blog
8:34 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Go check out the darkness:
xtheqx.tumblr.com
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xtheqx.tumblr.com
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I can do this, I can do this.. I can do this.... repeat
12:23 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I've taken the first steps.
Yeah, they're baby steps, but what the hell else am I supposed to do.
I'm so self-critical and so unsure.
I'm fucking pissed... I'm really okay.. No I'm pissed.. Now I'm happy?
Pills, substance abuse ruined my life.
Ruined my family.
Ruined me.
What the fuck am I reaching for right now?
Can you guess.
I want a pill.
I want a joint.
I want a cigarette.
I want a high.
I want to forget.
I want all this to be just a blur in my life.
I don't want this to be happening.
I can't change you.
I've tried for three long fuckin years.
False hopes and false promises are all I get.
This baby has no chance at life if I stay.
That's pretty much the only reason I'm leaving.
Because I love her.
She is my life now.
Not you.
Yeah, they're baby steps, but what the hell else am I supposed to do.
I'm so self-critical and so unsure.
I'm fucking pissed... I'm really okay.. No I'm pissed.. Now I'm happy?
Pills, substance abuse ruined my life.
Ruined my family.
Ruined me.
What the fuck am I reaching for right now?
Can you guess.
I want a pill.
I want a joint.
I want a cigarette.
I want a high.
I want to forget.
I want all this to be just a blur in my life.
I don't want this to be happening.
I can't change you.
I've tried for three long fuckin years.
False hopes and false promises are all I get.
This baby has no chance at life if I stay.
That's pretty much the only reason I'm leaving.
Because I love her.
She is my life now.
Not you.
Stepping Out Of Boundaries
10:22 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
So here I am.
Stepping out of line.
Stepping into something new.
Is it the right thing for me to do? I don't know.
And I don't really care to be honest.
Sometimes I just want to run my car off the road so I don't have to decide between right and wrong anymore.
Everything is so jumbled in my head, I am left feeling dazed and confused.
Dazed and confused.. maybe just confused.
I wish I was in a daze.
Stepping out of line.
Stepping into something new.
Is it the right thing for me to do? I don't know.
And I don't really care to be honest.
Sometimes I just want to run my car off the road so I don't have to decide between right and wrong anymore.
Everything is so jumbled in my head, I am left feeling dazed and confused.
Dazed and confused.. maybe just confused.
I wish I was in a daze.
Turkey Day
1:44 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
My beautiful baby girl is two and a half months old and I just can't believe how fast it has gone by. She's starting to coo at me and smiles all the time! Thank goodness, because colic is evil and definitely a rough time to go through. I'm talking about getting up at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, 6 am and then just stay up the rest of the day after that. No sleep. No eat. No nothing. Just a crying baby.
The pediatrician told me that she should be getting over the colic between the second and third month and it seems to be true.
Sary rolled over a few days ago all by herself. She is the most determined little thing I have ever seen. She is ready to GO GO GO!! So Gramma bought her a Disney Princess Walker! Even though she can't reach the floor yet, she loves to sit up and look around, that's all she wants to do.... and don't you dare lay her down until she is absolutely sleepy!
I love my baby. She's amazing.
Blessing
1:02 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
One of the last pictures I have of my belly. I thought I took 500 pictures of it while I was pregnant, but now that it's gone, I wish I would've taken more. I never thought I would miss having that big, beautiful belly. I miss looking down and not being able to see my feet. I miss the wiggling and squirming, and trying to figure out what body part I was feeling and seeing. I miss my BELLY!!!
September 9, 2009::9:20 A.M.
My beautiful baby girl was born. Thank goodness only had to push for about 10-15 minutes. I couldn't have handled a long pushing process. God took care of me and Sary that day. This is my favorite memory ever.
I was so exhausted by the time we made it home, Sary already loved snuggling up with mommy.
So basically as you can see, I have a model baby. She's amazing and I love her with all my heart. I never thought I could love someone so much. I hope she realizes that she has mommy's heart in her little hand.
My li'l baby is seven weeks old! So grown up already.
Sary Nicole
9:59 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
On September 9, 2009, a star was born. Her name you ask? Sary Nicole. She weighed 5 pounds 15 oz and was 18-3/4 inches long. She was born at 37 weeks and couldn't be a more healthy baby. I love my little babe.
Someday I'll get around to posting her birth story on here.
On Wednesday she'll be six weeks old and this morning is the first time I got a smile on camera.. it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Here I am :]
9:11 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Soo!
I am 15 weeks and 3 days as of today! I feel like I've actually accomplished something for once! And, I'm actually starting to feel like myself again, Thank Goodness!!! My morning sickness has subsided (hallelujah! hallelujah!) and I'm actually not having to sleep 12 hours every night. It's refreshing.
So I noticed last week that my belly... it's starting to stick out a little! So weird that there's something there now. But it's comforting. And it's starting to stretch, so my belly button is even starting to come out now! I'm looking into buying a pregnancy belly button ring LOL. Don't make fun!
At 10 weeks, I had a SCARE. I thought everything was going well, but I suddenly woke up at 1 a.m. and thought I had peed myself! What the H? I was soooo sleepy, I didn't even want to get up...but just in case. Well what do you know. I went to the bathroom and all I saw was bright red. I FREAKED, to say the least.
So six hours later in the emergency room, an exam by a male doctor who really didn't give a poo about me, an abdominal ultrasound and (joy!) a vaginal ultrasound, I was diagnosed as having a "threatened miscarriage" or subchorionic hemorrhage. Can I just say right now, I HATE the term miscarriage, threatened miscarriage, maybe kinda sorta miscarriage. It makes me feel like I'm irresponsible. Like I can't even house this baby in my womb because I'm a nothing. I can't even protect this baby in my BODY?!?!?!!?!
I did enjoy getting the ultrasounds (yes even the vaginal probe LOL). It didn't matter about having a wand dohicky in, out or around me because I got to see my baby's spine, heartbeat and even the face. I got some awesome pictures (will have to scan and post). It was moving and waving. Melted my heart right then and there.
So I was placed on pelvic rest and by my parents' rules, bed rest, until I was about 14 weeks. But ever since then, things have been going smoothly. And apparently subchorionic hemorrhages are pretty common. So I felt better.
I think I'll feel kicks sometimes... but I really don't know. I like to think that's what I'm feeling, but you know... it could be gas! Woo hoo! It's okay, it's getting close to time for me to feel and I can't wait.
Ahhh, so I got referred to a new physician that I will be visiting on Tuesday, which by the way aggravates me because... why in the world couldn't they have waited 2 more days so I could have had an ultrasound and possibly know what gender my child is! I want to know now *tear*. Don't they understand!
Anywho, I've been going to a prenatal clinic that is for uninsured mothers to go to until they can verify your insurance and refer you to another doctor. I've been going there since I was six weeks. It was a female doctor and I LOVED her.. I wish she could've been my OB. So my first pick was a different female OB, but they couldn't get me in... so my second choice was just a random pick by myself because I only wanted that one doctor so I hadn't researched the others LOL... and it's a dude. No offense. Men are great for a lot of things, but frankly they freak me out a little when dealing with my "feminine issues." So I cried when I found out, but then I went home and looked around online and found out that he's not some crusty old guy and he actually seems very intelligent to me... so what the heck, I'll give it a shot. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure everything will be spectacular.
So my recent symptoms? A very strong, overwhelming sensation of I need something to drink! I'm so incredibly thirsty all of a sudden. It's weirding me out. I'm trying to research it a little. I mean, I don't think I'm dehydrated because I'm drinking water, milk, juice, an occasional Dr. Pepper (caffeine free of course!) constantly. I've been trying to double up on eating, but it's not working on gaining the weight I should be. I was already a teeny person to begin with (5'3'' 96 pounds at my first dr. appointment) and I have been my whole life. I swear I eat like a horse, but alas, my metabolism is faster at burning the calories than I am at eating the calories. And so far, it's carried over into my pregnancy. At the end of the day I'll gain 3 or 4 pounds. When I wake up, poof! Disappeared. Start all over.
I have been taking my prenatal vitamins every night, I'm eating food, healthy food, junk food, any food that will help me gain some poundage. So at least I know the baby is getting adequate nutrition. It doesn't bother me all that much... I know some people that gain like 10 or 15 pounds, although the doctors would like them to gain more. Some people just have a hard time with it!
Alright, I'm done ranting. Here's some pictures for your enjoyment!
I took this when I first found out, I was 5 weeks, January 23rd.
And this is me at 13 weeks. I have grown a li'l!
This is me at 14 weeks, 6 days.
14 weeks 6 days
I am 15 weeks and 3 days as of today! I feel like I've actually accomplished something for once! And, I'm actually starting to feel like myself again, Thank Goodness!!! My morning sickness has subsided (hallelujah! hallelujah!) and I'm actually not having to sleep 12 hours every night. It's refreshing.
So I noticed last week that my belly... it's starting to stick out a little! So weird that there's something there now. But it's comforting. And it's starting to stretch, so my belly button is even starting to come out now! I'm looking into buying a pregnancy belly button ring LOL. Don't make fun!
At 10 weeks, I had a SCARE. I thought everything was going well, but I suddenly woke up at 1 a.m. and thought I had peed myself! What the H? I was soooo sleepy, I didn't even want to get up...but just in case. Well what do you know. I went to the bathroom and all I saw was bright red. I FREAKED, to say the least.
So six hours later in the emergency room, an exam by a male doctor who really didn't give a poo about me, an abdominal ultrasound and (joy!) a vaginal ultrasound, I was diagnosed as having a "threatened miscarriage" or subchorionic hemorrhage. Can I just say right now, I HATE the term miscarriage, threatened miscarriage, maybe kinda sorta miscarriage. It makes me feel like I'm irresponsible. Like I can't even house this baby in my womb because I'm a nothing. I can't even protect this baby in my BODY?!?!?!!?!
I did enjoy getting the ultrasounds (yes even the vaginal probe LOL). It didn't matter about having a wand dohicky in, out or around me because I got to see my baby's spine, heartbeat and even the face. I got some awesome pictures (will have to scan and post). It was moving and waving. Melted my heart right then and there.
So I was placed on pelvic rest and by my parents' rules, bed rest, until I was about 14 weeks. But ever since then, things have been going smoothly. And apparently subchorionic hemorrhages are pretty common. So I felt better.
I think I'll feel kicks sometimes... but I really don't know. I like to think that's what I'm feeling, but you know... it could be gas! Woo hoo! It's okay, it's getting close to time for me to feel and I can't wait.
Ahhh, so I got referred to a new physician that I will be visiting on Tuesday, which by the way aggravates me because... why in the world couldn't they have waited 2 more days so I could have had an ultrasound and possibly know what gender my child is! I want to know now *tear*. Don't they understand!
Anywho, I've been going to a prenatal clinic that is for uninsured mothers to go to until they can verify your insurance and refer you to another doctor. I've been going there since I was six weeks. It was a female doctor and I LOVED her.. I wish she could've been my OB. So my first pick was a different female OB, but they couldn't get me in... so my second choice was just a random pick by myself because I only wanted that one doctor so I hadn't researched the others LOL... and it's a dude. No offense. Men are great for a lot of things, but frankly they freak me out a little when dealing with my "feminine issues." So I cried when I found out, but then I went home and looked around online and found out that he's not some crusty old guy and he actually seems very intelligent to me... so what the heck, I'll give it a shot. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure everything will be spectacular.
So my recent symptoms? A very strong, overwhelming sensation of I need something to drink! I'm so incredibly thirsty all of a sudden. It's weirding me out. I'm trying to research it a little. I mean, I don't think I'm dehydrated because I'm drinking water, milk, juice, an occasional Dr. Pepper (caffeine free of course!) constantly. I've been trying to double up on eating, but it's not working on gaining the weight I should be. I was already a teeny person to begin with (5'3'' 96 pounds at my first dr. appointment) and I have been my whole life. I swear I eat like a horse, but alas, my metabolism is faster at burning the calories than I am at eating the calories. And so far, it's carried over into my pregnancy. At the end of the day I'll gain 3 or 4 pounds. When I wake up, poof! Disappeared. Start all over.
I have been taking my prenatal vitamins every night, I'm eating food, healthy food, junk food, any food that will help me gain some poundage. So at least I know the baby is getting adequate nutrition. It doesn't bother me all that much... I know some people that gain like 10 or 15 pounds, although the doctors would like them to gain more. Some people just have a hard time with it!
Alright, I'm done ranting. Here's some pictures for your enjoyment!
I took this when I first found out, I was 5 weeks, January 23rd.
And this is me at 13 weeks. I have grown a li'l!
This is me at 14 weeks, 6 days.
14 weeks 6 days
